“Frank? You are so drunk! Why don’t you come on home and get into bed?”
“No! Why don’t you get into bed?” laughed Frank.
“Because I am not drunk! And if you walk these streets alone you could fall over and no one would have noticed.” Said John cautiously.
“Ok, but I’m taking the Unicorn and you can take the Anteater because you’re a party pooper!” said Frank as he pointed to a BMX and a bicycle with trainer wheels leaning against the lamp post.
Frank has always wanted to be the elder brother. Frank wanted to be respected and treated fairly by his family but John was always the favourite one. As a kid he always went to bed an hour earlier than John. Frank didn’t get to watch TV with his parents, laugh or have a good time because he was shoved off to bed.
“Hey look!” continued Frank, “there’s an old man, let’s rob him and take his money for some shots?”
“No!” yelled John, “I’m not going to let you do that.”
“O come on brother, it’s just a little bit of fun, let’s go?”
Frank took a few steps before he was stopped by John.
“No!” insisted John, “You can’t do that!”
Frank was always getting into trouble, John was fed up with bailing him out of all the bad things he kept doing. John had no idea why his parents seemed to favour him over Frank. Maybe it was because John was older or maybe because of the nuisance Frank had become.
“It’s not fair!” said Frank and he continued to mutter under his breath; “Why should I stand in someone else’s shadow. Why does John always have the girl? Why does John always have the bigger allowance? Why is it never me? I should end this once and for all!”
A blow to the chest would not do it but it would give Frank a warning to not mess with me, but he got straight back up and wanted more; this time he had a dagger. He came straight for me with his knife in his left hand so I had to react quickly and use my skills to block his stab and to force the weapon out of his hand. Following a blow to Frank’s jaw bone, I drew blood and possibly shattered his teeth. Frank fell down on the ground but he did not fall on the foot path or the grass but out onto the road.
I charged at John with my fist clenched but I was not prepared for the response I got. I knew this was his warning to me, but my objective wasn’t complete. I got up from the concrete footpath pulling out my dagger from my left pocket. As I swiped the knife towards John’s chest, before the pin point reached his flesh, his wrist whacked the weapon out of my hand. It was now out of my reach. Before I could respond to his action a blow from John’s fist connected with my mouth sending blood and teeth everywhere.
When Frank opened his eyes he was lying on the road with the sound of oncoming traffic ringing in his ears.
John was in shock, his twin brother lying helplessly in the middle of the road. He couldn’t bear him dying like this; certainly not as a young man. With horror John saw lights of a truck coming Frank’s way. Without thinking of the consequences John lurched out onto the road, thrusting Frank’s body out of the way of oncoming death. Although he was a very fit man he was not quite fast enough to dodge the trucks tyres. Pain shot through his body like an enormous electric shock. His last thought was; “At least I will die a hero.”
In his dying moments a chill of terror attacked him like a venomous snake; he looked up and saw the twisted smile on Frank’s face.
(663 WORDS – 10B)
This is an original and ambitious attempt, and largely very successful. Your opening is instantly engaging, launching us into dialogue (and yet you also achieve a degree of internal monologue elsewhere), and your ending is sinister and powerful. I also like the way you use simile and the "show not tell" technique we discussed in class. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWhere your story perhaps falls down a little is in the breadth of your vocabulary, which could be enhanced by the use of a thesaurus. The other main issue I have is in the shift midway - from a third to first person narrative, and from one narrative tone to another, far more violent, one - a shift which I am not convinced works quite as effectively as it could.
Band 2
I got confused with who's narrating the story :S
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