The world + me

“I love you” were his exact words. “No you don’t! That’s exactly what my parents said to me, Look where they are now!” I yelled and ran off.

“Think about it, think about it” The words twirlling around in my head. I didn’t have to think about it. I’m the girl who lives in the darkness, who sits at the back of the classroom because it’s dark there and she likes it that way. That’s what they say. Truth is they know nothing about me, it’s the fact that they don’t want to. If I don’t have anything wrong with me then they have nothing to talk to their friends about. But that’s the way it is, that’s the way it has been, well since the accident.

The accident. Sitting in the darkness of a hospital room, the only thing you can hear is the beat of fear pumping in your ears, the beeping sound of the machine. The beep that kills you inside once it stops. The nurses kneeling down beside me “Their going to be alright, everything will be back to normal, just give it time” Normal? If by normal you mean going to your parents funeral at the age of twelve, being shifted from foster home to foster home, it was definetly anything but ‘normal’. That nurse was a liar, she was a liar, their all liars.

Back to Friends. What a rustly word. I had one once, Lilly her name was. She used to always go on about how we were bestfriends forver another lie. Forever didn’t last very long. Ever since I apparently ‘changed’. She will accationly look back or come over to me and ask if I want to go out, have a girls night, “it’ll be fun” she says. I shouldn’t be having fun. Everytime a smile even crosses my mind I feel giulty, my parents are dead. Gone forever. What’s to smile about? She sits at the front of the class with all the other girls. She is a glowing flower to all the boys, well all except one.

Jeremy, He is Gorgous. Those crystal blue eyes, hair short and dark brown spread across his face, skin as olive as can be. That’s him. He is the definition of perfect. That’s how I know he didn’t mean it when he said he loved me.

Tuesday Morning, was a regular morning. Just like every other. Get out of the house before I ‘catch’ the girl that Krofsher spend the night with. He’s my foster parent. He cares more about attracting females 20 years younger than him at pubs than taking care of me. Not that I need taking care of. Don’t get me wrong he’s a nice Guy, thilfy rich. He won’t admit it but he’s just tired of being alone and trys to find the right girl, he still has yet to relise it’s not going to work. He thinks girls will think he’s more mature when he tells them he has a foster child.

Anyways back to my morning routine. I get up around 4, shower, get dressed, tie my hair back, eat and leave for school about 5. While it’s still slightly dark and quite. Well normaly it’s quiet, until that one morning when he came along. 15 minutes through my walk I hear a voice “Hey” faded through the fog of the emptyness. I felt someone tap my shoulder. My hearts starts racing as I turn around. It was him. “ I thought it might be you, I saw you walking to school yesterday through my kitchen window, it’s jessica, right?” He said. “Jess” I snapped.
“only my mum called me Jessica”

‘well she has good taste’

“She did” I replied

I turned around and continued to walk. “Where you going?” he yelled out.

“school” I answered

“you leave for school this early?”

‘yeah, I do’

“well wait I’ll go get my school bag and I’ll join you, hold on”

I left. Something was up, no one as perfect as Jeremy would want to be even be seen let alone talk to me, there was a catch and I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself again.

At school I saw Jeremy talking to lilly., that didn’t shock me I was surprised he waited till his second week. So school went on as usual. On my was home I heard a voice again. “Hey Jess, wait up” Jeremy called out, I knew it was him, I recognised his voice. Why? What did he want from me? I rolled my eyes and turned around ‘What!’ I snapped. “you didn’t wait for me” I answered trying to catch his breath. ‘look, I know it’s only your seond week, but a thing that you’ll quickly learn is that people don’t talk to me, don’t change that. You have a reputation to maintain.’ I snapped, he looked stunned. I took a breath “what do you want from me, why are you always trying to get my attention?” I said. “Because you’re the only girl who doesn’t seem to give it to me” he replied. “your friend told me about you, and everything that happened to you.” He said camly. “They don’t know anything about me! Just leave me alone” I screamed tears in my eyes and ran off. He ran after me. Grabbing my arm, “WHAT?” I yelled my voice cracking up. “just go away, I saw you with Lilly, god knows what she said about me, she hates me, they all do, and I know that you randomly coming up to me and acting all inocent like nothing is going on. I’ve been through this, I’m not stupid and I’m not going through it again.” I ran off.

Days. Weeks went by, he and Jeremy would occationly try and talk to me and I would just ignor him. About 2 weeks after I snapped at him, he had the corrage to come up and speak to me again, on my way to school like the time before, he yelled out my name I turned around. He wasn’t alone this time; there was a girl with him, sure enough it was lilly.

“Hey, Jess” she said softly

I just stared at her for a minute

“Can I speak to you for a seco-“

‘What do you want?’ I cut her off. She pulled me away from Jeremy.

She said “I know you have decided to shut me out of your life, and to this day I can’t figure out why. But all I’m going to say to you know is I don’t hate you, I never did, it feels like it’s the oher way round. And that guy over there has nothing to do with me, he’s crazy about you.” She explained. I looked down and I saw a flash of the braclet on her wrist. It was our friendship braclet that we made out of the bead kit I got for my 7^th birthday. She must have noticed “yeah, I’ve never taken it off, miss you”

‘you never speak to me anymore’ I answered

“you never let me, you cut me off, I’ve been round to your place a few times but didn’t knock on the door cause I didn’t know what to say, just just cut me right out of your life”

‘but your always talking about me’ I snapped

“we’re always talking about why you don’t talk to me anymore, and how I wish you would”

Everything she was telling me sounded made up but in a weird way I missed her a little too, and I believed her. At school she would come up and have lunch with me, Jeremy would join her. Everytime I saw him I would think back to what Lilly had told me, that he was crazy for me. That I didn’t believe, I believed that he liked Lilly, and she would think he’s all sweet for wanting to talk to me even though nobody else did. Well he would walk home with me from school and sometimes to school almost everyday. I guess I had developed feelings for him.

Exactly 7 months after I had met Jeremy. Lilly and I were a lot closer, it’s like we were best friends again. Jeremy would sometimes go out to the movies with me or to the park. Then one day on our usual walk to school he just blurrted out “I love you”. My mind stopped, the whole world around me stopped. “NO, you don’t.” I yelled. My mind just kept shiffting back to that hospital room Where that had been my mums last words to me, then she left me. Forever. I was jut scared that it would happen to him too. My life changed because of this boy, and I didn’t want to loose him.

But now, 2 years later I realise. He meant what he said, so did my mum. I was just too caught up in the darkness of hating the world to see it.