All good things must come to an end. But that moment was too soon... Her smile pulled me in like gravity. But her death built a wall between us. It still scorched my mind. The spontaneous burst. It was oddly cold then hot. It was funny I thought. Death has beauty in many strange ways. Ash is one of them.
Thinking what I should do next. It was February already. Seven months after her death felt like seven days. I can still feel her flame contrast the bitter coldness inside the cafe. Or it could be the radiator radiating heat behind me. Anyways... What should I do?
I haven't have much to do.
I already packed my stuff at home and sort out the ownership of the shop...
So I looked outside the frosted glass and remember what I have left in my memories as sentiments of her happiness.
As I lift myself off the armchair. six thirty it said. nearly time
Turning from open to close. I strap my apron off and slumped it over a chair. dimming the lights and soften the acoustic guitar. I stood behind the counter and placed a cup cake in front of me.
Six forty five. Nearly there. I stood a monochrome picture next to me. the picture of her happiness. That sweet smile I won't see often, but always kept to my greed. I smile for once, truthfully.
Strike a match and it lit the candle, tossed it into a sink and smoke was in place. The irony I thought. it was ironic. so ironic I'm smiling.
seven o' clock it spoke. Now
Lights were killeed and stood a dead silence. The only sources of sound were the frosted glass. Outside life and candle light.
"Happy Birthday" I cheered softly. taking my blow for her. the silence was now silent, as there is now flames at all. Just frosted glass and candle smoke. Death is sad, but memories were already beginning.
Intriguing and elusive, your prose has a great deal of potential, and moments of real beauty too. You clearly have the ability to produce something considerably stronger, so don't give up. :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, ultimately, I am left somewhat confused as to what is happening, and the effect you are trying to achieve on your reader. I know I talked about "show not tell", but I am not necessarily convinced you have successfully done either. Beware of inconsistencies of tense, and punctuation too. And, above all, ensure you give your story sufficient length truly to engage the interest of your reader and sustain it through to a sufficiently powerful resolution.
Band 4
all i know is it's someone's birthday and he/she is celebrating it alone, but i really like the descriptions, though i couldn't tell whats really going on :S
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