"Umm.. yes please." Her voice tiny and cautious. The smile on his face brightened.
"Follow me then..." They start to walk down the alley to the candy shop. "wouldn't it be quicker to go through the warehouse?" The old man requests.
"But that's trespassing." The little girl claimed. "It would be smart to go around on the street,"
"NO!" The man snaps. "I mean, there's nothing to worry about. wait. you can hold this," he gives her a little pluffed teddy bear. "You can keep him if you want." She takes the bear and and they creep into the dark, splintering cold warehouse. The girl grabs the teddy bear and tucks it into her arms. "Do you think people live here?" she asks. As he answered. They paused, a strange noise coming from underneath a large fallen down bookcase. The curious girl being 'Sherlock Holmes' goes to see what it is, but the man grabs her arm and moves his finger side to side. She doesn't obey and pulls away from his grip. She moves closer to the bookshelf. It shoots out like a bullet running straight towards her teeth sharp as knifes aimed straight for her tiny face. She falls to the ground. Pinning her down wet drool running off it's face down on to her shirt. It growled at her but the old man smacked it on the nose and it scampered off "SHES MINE!" He demanded. Petrified as she was, she managed to get back on to her feet. "What was that?" she stuttered, looking at her shirt and trys to wipe it off with her hands.
"NO!" The man snaps. "I mean, there's nothing to worry about. wait. you can hold this," he gives her a little pluffed teddy bear. "You can keep him if you want." She takes the bear and and they creep into the dark, splintering cold warehouse. The girl grabs the teddy bear and tucks it into her arms. "Do you think people live here?" she asks. As he answered. They paused, a strange noise coming from underneath a large fallen down bookcase. The curious girl being 'Sherlock Holmes' goes to see what it is, but the man grabs her arm and moves his finger side to side. She doesn't obey and pulls away from his grip. She moves closer to the bookshelf. It shoots out like a bullet running straight towards her teeth sharp as knifes aimed straight for her tiny face. She falls to the ground. Pinning her down wet drool running off it's face down on to her shirt. It growled at her but the old man smacked it on the nose and it scampered off "SHES MINE!" He demanded. Petrified as she was, she managed to get back on to her feet. "What was that?" she stuttered, looking at her shirt and trys to wipe it off with her hands.
"Who knows, at least your safe right?" His voice became lower, deeper, more inhuman. The girl looks up at him and asks "What happened to your voice?"
"Urr.. The cold its getting to my throat." He coughs to try hid the tone. They carry on advancing through the twisting icy corridors looking for an exit. "So do you know where we are going?" She questioned. He looked down but did not answer. just kept walking further into the freezing black warehouse. You can feel a bitter chill on their faces as they make there way through the darkness. "Are we there yet?" she asks, grasping to his hand to warm her's.
"Not yet. "
"But you said it was the short way,"
"It is." His sentences getting shorter, to mask his demonic voice he coughs or try's to clear his throat. They walk onto a small loading dock, and she can smell the candy flowing into her nose. The warmth lifted her up giving life to the room. She try's to unlock the door but it wont budge. "It wont open." she goes to give it another go but this time she stopped, from the corner she can see the black figure come out from the dark somber room. She freezes. She turns to see if it there, and it vanishes. "Did you see that?" she asks feeling relieved.
"No." His voice fully changed but coughs and points at the door.
"No." His voice fully changed but coughs and points at the door.
"Are you okay? you seem sick." she assumes he is and just walks to the door to try it again.
"It's locked. What do we do now?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean? Is there another door somewhere?"
A voice coming from the room next to them where the black figure disappeared to. "No need, you wont be leaving." There it was, the beast. She runs back behind the old and stays there head popped out the side, watching the figure morph into a human. "Hello... Master." the beast looking straight at the old man.
"Master?" she questioned herself. She backs up, moving away from the old man and the beast. "ahh hello.. Courtney" replied the old man.
"Who are you? What do you want with me?" She hits a wall, the old man turns to look at her. His eyes turned fiery red "We have been watching you.. Autumn." Paralyzed. She looks up to the man.
"Why do you want me? Let me go. My mummy will be looking for me." The fear pouring out of her eyes and betrayal stabbed through her heart. The two men laugh. "What mother? We know everything about you." The old man steps forward.
"Go away!" She looks around and finds a small rusty knife. She points it at him "Stay back! What do you want with me?"
"We want you dead." The old man takes out a pocket-sized bottle of chlorofoam. "This will help with the pain." He steps towards her and she try's to strike him with the knife but she it slips through her hand and cuts her palm. She lets out a loud scream and he covers her mouth with the cold cholorofoam-soaked handkerchief. She struggles but the old man was too strong for her so she gave up. A couple of breaths and she was knocked out the old man caught her just before she hit the for and said "oh, and my name is Alfred". Her tiny body lay there still as can be.
"May I be the first one master?"
"NO! I found her. We must take her somewhere else to start, or someone may come here after and report the dead little girl." He suggested that they should take her to a near by graveyard 2 blocks down so they can depose of the body after, so it would seem like nothing happened. "I utmost agree with you, master" As he nods, Alfred kindly pats him on the shoulder.
"Cover and carry the body." Alfred commanded.
Courtney walks off to fine something to wrap the little girl with. He comes back with a torn moldy brown blanket. Alfred picked the tiny body and wrapped it with the blanket. "Okay let us leave this place."
"Yes master." They get to the graveyard at about 10:30 pm and had to knock the little out with the chlorofoam some more times because it would wear away quite quick. "we must get started now." Alfred said to Courtney.
"Yes master," A few days past and Alfred was prowling his next victim, quietly waiting, listening, he goes to making the move, he walks to her and taps her on the shoulder. "Hello child do you want some candy?" His voice calm and innocent.
"Umm.. yes please." Her voice tiny and cautious. The smile on his face brightened.
"Follow me then..."
it's really good. Got me reading until the end. Brilliant
ReplyDeleteAWESOME THANKYOU :D
ReplyDeleteThis scares me D: But nice story
ReplyDeleteA powerfully written story, and a scary one too. There is some powerful description (e.g. of the "icy corridors") and your balance of dialogue and narrative is excellent. There could be more figurative language, but where you have it (like the creature shooting out "like a bullet") it is strong. By far the most outstanding feature, however, is your opening and ending which, together, are outstandingly done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, the main problem is in relation to technical aspects of spelling, punctuation and grammar, with your punctuation in particular hindering your meaning at times and, ultimately, dissipating your tension just when you need it to be sustained. Be careful, and check through it to make sure you know what I mean: I am happy to talk it through in detail if you want. It could all also have benefited from a little more brevity; perhaps losing a couple of hundred words might have given it the conciseness it required.
Band 3
Great story but i wonder did you adapt it from Skrillex's First of the year(equinox) music video ?
ReplyDeletei really liked your beginning it really drew me in! i also like your story plot and your use of description. your ending to was really fantastic as-well. there was nothing really that i didn't like so well done ! :-)
ReplyDeletevery good :) gave me chills while reading it. quite menacing as well :) the intro to your story caught my eye and the story got better and better. i could also feel the tension rising and liked a couple of your descriptions. good job
ReplyDelete