“Get away from me!” I managed to squeak. I knew I should have listened to mum. “Don’t use the shortcuts! People have been robbed there!” her words reverberated in my head like a resounding gong. Backing up into a corner I bumped into a bin and all its contents poured out, the smell wafting the humid air. Their sniggers echoing against the wall, their penknives pointed and ready to strike. Shaking, I slowly handed them my handbag when all of a sudden there was a shout. “Don’t give it to them!”
I could’ve sworn that I was alone. Barely anyone ever came to this place and those who did were usually drug dealers, homeless people and criminals. Several homeless people had often been known to reside here in this filthy alley. With feces and stenches scattered everywhere the place became almost a taboo to even mention at dining tables. However there stood a stranger who started walking towards us calmly. Both of the robbers put together were smaller than the man who was very well built. His voice layered with authority he stated “You should be ashamed of yourself targeting a poor girl like her!” The robbers cocked an eyebrow each and gave each other this confused look and then chuckled. “Well would you like to take her place? You seem to have some valuables on you” said one robber, his eyes darting onto the priceless watch the man had on his arm.
“You’re definitely not taking anything from me or her.” The man casually replied. Grabbing my hand he started walking towards the closest corner that led onto the open streets. The robbers stared gawking like a couple of goldfish; never had they encountered such a victim in their lives. “Do you want to die?” the superior robber said stuttering while the other flickered open his penknife. “Yeah!” his psychic joined in. My mysterious rescuer didn’t bother giving them any sort of response and continued walking. The robbers behind us overtook us and blocked our path. Jabbing the man’s chest the psychic said “You’re not going anywhere until you give up that watch of yours!” My mysterious knight in shining armor batted them an eye and with a little facial expression he shrugged and said “no”.
A knife darted straight to my rescuer’s face but was stopped in midair. With anticipation he grabbed the other hand that darted out from the shadows. Squeezing their hands tightly the man showed a sign of annoyance on his face then proceeded to flunking their hands in the opposite direction. Sternly he said “Leave us alone!” Persistently the robbers started circling the man like vultures preying on a dying animal. Pity was painted across all over my rescuer’s face; he knew he had no choice but to fight off these two oppressors. There was nothing much I could do but observe. The atmosphere was intense and there was barely any source of light except an old light bulb which seems to flicker on and off. The silence was deadly and I could have sworn that the robbers were smiling ear to ear and taunting the man. Tired of their antics the man grabbed the closest robber and flung him straight into a dried pile of feces. His partner’s smile seemed to have vanished in that instant and was now sweating again. Rushing towards his partner he helped him up and wearily kept an eye on my rescuer.
Their faces, scribbled with fear they started retreating back into the darker side of the alley like cockroaches. In awe I stood frozen with a warm fuzzy feeling of safety and gratitude towards my rescuer. “Thank you” I managed to stammer. He smiled and started leading me towards the exit. I turn towards the sky and muttered a quick prayer of appreciation.
A wonderful opening, and a very well-written story overall. The tension of the peace pervades, and your characters are realised convincingly and engagingly. Despite a few awry pieces of grammar and punctuation (be careful!), it is technically strong too. Well done!
ReplyDeleteMy two suggestions for further improvement, however, are to avoid clichés like "knight in shining armour", and also to think carefully about how you could make your ending stronger. After all the action and tension until then, it all seems to fizzle out, when sometimes it can be a good thing to go out with a bang - or, at the very least, to leave a strong impression on your reader at the end.
Band 2
thank you! i like constructive criticism and happy endings :)
ReplyDelete