My heart hammering at 110 beats per minute. My ears screaming for silence. My blood shot eyes paralyzed at the sight of my best friend laying on the icy floor with his blood pouring uncontrollably from his red stained skull, His eyes wide open looking at me. The back of the gun flew in my face and then I blacked out. I woke up in a shock.
Hi my name was Alexander but you could of called me Alex. I lived in Miami, Florida. Nice weather, sunny days, nice ladies and good education. I studied at the university of Miami. After University I wanted to be an architect but that was still years away.
The security at the university was very tight. One day I was asked to stop and open my laptop bag because they thought I was doubtful carrying a black bag. Paranoid guards and Insane Students. Not a good merge.
On the morning of February 6th 2008 I was walking to the Physics building at the university like any other day. Ice-cold raindrops drumming against my raincoat like seeds in autumn falling down from the trees. It was a foul soul-draining day. The sky was Gray and no birds were in the air. The wind was so bitter it was burning. It was as if the devil had turned the blue sky black.
The usual Classes on a Monday Morning, Biology, Physics, English. The day finishes with 2 periods at the lecture hall. The lessons bypass In a click of a finger. At lunch, another student approach me and handed me a card without saying anything, the second he had came. The next vanished. The card read
MEET AT THE SHOOTING FIELD SATURDAY 1:00PM
My eyes widened like an owl in a dark cold night. My brain thought and then I said to myself. “A good idea this is?”
The week passed at a remarkable rapidity. Saturday came and I gradually made my way to the Shooting field. The shooting field was a former farm that was remade into a large shooting field. At a remote distance I spotted a man waving both of his hands in the air. I heard a gunshot and then my mouth went dry as a bone. Emotions going from good to bad. I had to sooner or later snap out of my “shocked” state.
After a 10-minute march I finally arrived at Point blank of the fellow individual who handed me the card. “Hello my name is Alex,” I said in a concerned voice. “Hey My name is Connor,” he said in a composed tranquil voice. “Are you frightened of guns?” he said. From the look on my face he nodded and acknowledged that he figured that I was scared.
“Okay, Lets get shooting” he said as if it was an ordinary informal thing that is normal to one and all. “Okay” I forced out the words as I was getting skeptical and just simply scared.
I stepped out to the plate and he handed me an MP5K. The MP5K is an undersized compact full automatic gun. My aim was to shoot down an object, which was a couple of meters from me. I manage to get the target. In the arm. Everyone laughed and so did I. As I knew this was just a hoax.
Connor and I were friends for around a month or 2. Now that you know Connor let me tell you what he did to my friends and me.
Same old routine. Walk to university. Study. Eat. Go home. Eat. Sleep.
But in April everything took a severe twist to hell.
The first detonation went off around the canteen. The black smoke filled up the air like a toxic gas. Everything moving in a slow motion kind of manner. I ran to my Chemistry class. People covered in blood running trying to make a get away until a ripper dressed in a black coat shot them down. His face enclosed by an alarming mask. I made my way to the chemistry room and slid under the table. Other students were there. We waited for 30 minutes until we heard another detonation. Sobs filled the room like a sad perfume. I started praying. Holding the hand of my best friend.
Watching people getting shot down. Blood splashing against the door window. Later in the day the Police and all the civilians who lived by were around the school. The furious man was still on the loose and we were still trapped in the class. Until we heard a loud bang on the door. Black Shoes appeared after the door opened and then he wheeled the gun so that it was facing the floor.
He shot our chemistry Teacher first. Then some students screamed and soon got shot down. Then he reached out and grabbed my best friend and did not hesitate. He took his chance and shot him in the head.
My heart hammering at 110 beats per minute. My ears screaming for silence. My blood shot eyes paralyzed at the sight of my best friend laying on the icy floor with his blood pouring uncontrollably from his red stained skull, His eyes wide open looking at me. The back of the gun flew in my face and then I blacked out.
I woke up in a shock. Then a pair hands covered in gloves grabbed me and dragged me a meter out of where I was knocked out. “Hello Alex remember me?” the voice said. I recognized the voice it was Connor. “Please spare my life,” I said in a petrified manner. “You dirty Scum” he said and then took me to a room where other people were tied and lined up.
He put us in a line then we waited and we looked outside. The last beams of light hit our skins.
He lined us all up. Then the bullets fired, piercing our bodies like metallic needles.
We all fell together to the floor. We all marched through the hall and a golden light glistening in the far distance took us to a golden valley.
End of life.
This strikes me as a very ambitious piece indeed, and, like all such risk-taking, sometimes it pays off, and sometimes not so much. Your opening is bold and powerful, although I am not sure the fragments work as well as formal (if short) sentences might have done (which is often the case elsewhere in the piece too). Your attempt to play around with the time scheme is fantastic, although I wonder whether you end up trying to cover a little too much ground in the short space you have. Unquestionably, your vocabulary and use of figurative language are very strong indeed, and your style confident and bold.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there are little errors in relation to grammar and also to your use of different tenses which trip you up from time to time, and I was also not totally convinced by your final two paragraphs. All in all, therefore, a mixed bag: often extraordinary, but without the consistency needed for the top band.
Band 2
so why did he shoot people ..? besides that good story :D
ReplyDeleteThank you sir, Advice taken. B)
ReplyDelete